Psalm 112:7
He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.
I've avoided writing this post like the plague, but I think I'm ready to blabber out all my thoughts, get them written, get this post over with, and try to figure out how to press forward.
I miscarried.
This past 2 weeks has been the most insane. Let me just give you a brief recap. My sister miscarries, my brother gets engaged, I find out I'm pregnant but that somethings wrong, the Lord works a miracle in my family's life, spiritual warfare hits me like never before, I spend an entire week in and out of the ER & doctor's office praying and hoping that somehow my pregnancy makes it.
I feel like I've been living in this waiting room. Living in the uncertainty is hands down one of the most depressing places to linger in. A trip to the ER after taking a positive at home pregnancy test, but having two weeks worth of bleeding happened last Sunday. It was a useless trip. They couldn't tell me a definite answer. I then spent all of last week in and out of the doctor's office 9 times having my blood taken & multiple ultrasounds. My doctor worried that since my levels were slowly rising, but because they were weeks behind what they should be, that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. I begged the Lord for that to not be so.
On Friday, I was told that my levels went down. Thus meaning a miscarriage but not ectopic. I don't even know if I can accurately describe my emotions from it all. I'm obviously upset and devastated of our loss. Having C shows me what I'm missing and that's heart breaking. Losing a baby, no matter how far along, is always, always difficult. I'm relieved that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. I'm scared it will happen again. I'm mostly numb, confused how to feel. I never was allowed to celebrate this pregnancy, it was ended before I even knew it began. To me, that's just evidence of the Lord's grace. I can't imagine how much harder it would be for me if I had known and gotten excited. The Lord rescued me from that. I'm at peace. I know the Lord is always good. He was incredibly gracious in His timing. Because my family was experiencing great joy from another situation, my focus was more on that joy than my own grief. I'm joyful. Jesus is my true joy, not my present circumstances.
John Piper says it best, “the human quest for joy leads straight to the missionary heart of God. You can see it already. But let me put it together: God is the fountain of joy because he is blindingly glorious, and infinitely worthy, and breathtakingly beautiful, and awesome in power, and inscrutable in wisdom, and limitless in knowledge, and tender in mercy, and terrible in wrath, and the source and foundation of all truth and goodness and beauty. When we see him for what he really is, and turn from all the broken cisterns of the world that cannot satisfy (Jeremiah 2:13), we find "joy unspeakable and full of glory" (1 Peter 1:8).
I'm also thankful. Thankful that we are adopting, that even though we lost one child, I have another child on the way. I'm overwhelmed by God's grace and comfort. Knowing that I will one day see this child in perfection overwhelms me with gratitude.
I know that every woman struggles and deals with her miscarriage differently & that is perfectly okay. And while I'm devastated my sister experienced a miscarriage, I'm thankful we can heal together. Her healing process will be completely different from mine, and although our situations are entirely different, she still understands what I'm going through. And even when I feel alone in my situation, when I feel like no one really, truly understands what I'm feeling, I know that God knows.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”
And I just have to add that I have the most incredible husband. He allowed me to grieve in a way that made sense to me. He's held my hand, cuddled me, reassured me, and loved me through this all. He's served his guts out & taken care of our son. He exudes Christ's love to me & I'm so thankful.
oh, and reading this post helped a lot. I had no idea when I asked her to write that post, that I would be reading it one day for myself. Girlfriend nailed exactly what I wanted to say here today. GO read that post, especially if you are suffering from or have ever suffered with a miscarriage. I couldn't have said it better myself!! So thankful for this girl & all my other friends and family who loved on us, cooked us dinner, cleaned our home, sent us encouraging texts, and most importantly prayed for us. There is simply nothing quite like the body of Christ.
All of this for the Glory of the Lord. He is so good.
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